Category: desperate cry for help

About a week or so ago, the patron saint of skanky chicks Courtney Love announced on Letterman that back in the day she frequently boned Gwen Stephanie’s fine ass husband Gavin Rossendale. Not really newsworthy except for the implication that Gavin was definitely dating Gwen when these alleged liaisons popped off.


*gags violently*

But honestly, aside from this being a mental picture that most of us would’ve easily lived our entire lives without, its not THAT big of a deal… Dirty chicks get around.

DEAD FISH EYES

But what I do find interesting are C-Love’s more recent comments about the glorious life of her va-jay-jay. Apparently the in a interview for FUSE, the self-proclaimed sex goddess credits her prowess in between the sheet to her jacked up grill. READ: she’s good a good lay because she’s got a face her mamma doesn’t even love.

*crickets*

You know, I’ve often heard my male friends discussing the pros and cons of keeping an ugly chick on stash for this very reason. Back in the day, they called it the paper Bag Theory- its a better lay as long as you don’t look at the face. *don’t judge us*

But I have to say, I didn’t really believe most of them. I always figured women went hard when 1) she liked the person she was having sex with and 2) the dude made it worth the effort. And if they’re so called ‘pretty’ girlfriend was a lazy lay it was because she was, well…. you do the math.

But maybe I was wrong. What do you think? Are “ugly” chicks (and dudes) swinging from chandeliers to distract from their appearance? Cause if so…

*adds homely right below STD-free on the list of qualities I’m looking for in a summer jump-off*

I’m just saying.

Basic Hometraining Rule 101: Before you say something negative, it’s important to lead with a positive.


So let’s start the day by giving Sandra Bullock a HUGE shout out. Adoption, Oscar and Divorcing lame ass Jesse James? Homegirl is taking no shorts in 2010. Sure hope Elin is taking notes. And best of all, how serious is baby Louis’s side-eye game? Like,what? Straight out the N.O grilling the paparazzi like a rock star.

I am also L-O-V-ing the fact that not only will President Obama will be delivering the eulogy at Dorothy Height’s funeral tomorrow but he also ordered the American flags at the White House and upon all public buildings and grounds, at all military posts and naval stations, and on all naval vessels of the Federal Government in the District of Columbia and throughout the United States and its Territories and all possessions to be flown at half-staff on the day as well, “as a mark of respect for the memory.”

Take that, Take that.

Yes, I’m really glad that I had such encouraging and happy news to help balance out the craziness that is jumping off in mid-west right now: As if Arizona wasn’t enough, apparently despite two vetoes by the State’s governor, the Oklahoma Legislature has voted two new and even more restrictive abortion measures into law. One of which requires women to undergo an ultrasound and listen to a detailed description of the fetus before getting and abortion AND the other prevents women who have had a disabled baby from suing a doctor for withholding information about birth defects while the child was in the womb.

DEAD SILENCE

But wait on it, the new laws are way detailed. Like the first law, requires that the doctor or technician set up the monitor so that woman can see it and describe the heart, limbs and organs of the fetus. No exceptions are made for rape and incest victims. Okay real talk, how sick is that for someone to have to sit through the description of a fetus? Although, I’m not really sure what the hell they’re going to be describing since its just a mass of tissue and nerve stems for the first six weeks (which is when most women schedule the procedure). So perhaps they’ll just be making it up as they go along… You know kinda like the Teabagggers and the Birthers.

Seriously? All fun and jokes aside, what country are we living in right now? Is this a freaking extremist Muslim country where women’s reproductive rights are up for debate amongst a bunch of MEN?? I’m so confused.

So when there is a sudden rise in the number of abused and abandoned babies on Oklahoma, what then? Are these same lawmakers going to sign up to start taking them in? Cause clearly the whole overseas adoption movement is going to hell in a handbasket. Exhibit A: the couple in Virginia Beach who are now suing the nation’s largest adoption agency for sending them another little blond-haired psycho from Russia. Mm-hmm…

Apparently, lil Roman started out as a vision of normalcy. But over the course of six years, he has threatened his the couple’s 5-year old biological daughter with a steak knife and a two-by-four as well as held her underwater in a pool. Oh and did I mention the multiple therapeutic programs that have ejected the future serial killer for kicking, biting, hitting and most recently, on his 8th birthday, pulling out three of his teeth using a pen cap, fork or spoon?

*crickets*

Oh and NOW that the lawsuits are flying, the caseworker finally acknowledges that when she had said the doctor visited orphanages to “see the children” and review pictures, videos and medical information that did not necessarily mean that the doctor had actually examined. Matter of fact, in deposition, the same doctor said he had not practiced medicine for years and was a facilitator for the agency, not a medical screener. Word?

Feel free to throw up as I donate my ENTIRE life savings to Planned Parenthood.

Money can really bring out the worst in people… especially folks like Douglas Spink.


When times got bad for this former 90s venture capitalist and admitted adrenaline junkie he was like what the hell, I think I’ll become a drug kingpin. And don’t you know dude basically started transporting millions of dollars worth of coke and marijuana back and forth across the Canadian border.

CRICKETS

And when that 2nd career choice didn’t exactly pan out (he was arrested back in 2005, then quickly snitched his way into a lenient 3 year sentence. So much for the code of silence, huh?), dude said fuckkit, guess I’ll just start a bestiality farm.

DEAD FISH EYES

Uh-huh, you read that correctly.


Business was so crazy, when the investigators raided the hideout they seized THOUSANDS of images/ videos of folks having sex with the animals. ‘But wait on it… one of the videos featured a man having sex with a dog. And don’t you know that same man was at the farm the day of the raid? Wearing the same outfit that he had on in the flick????

I swear, I couldn’t make it up if I wanted to.

Now here’s my only question… Where the hell is PETA and all those crazy folks that were calling for Michael Vick’s head NOW? How come they aren’t rallying around the jailhouse in Washington demanding that this man be sent to the electric chair behind this craziness? Say what you want but I’m willing to bet that grown men weren’t shoving mice up each other’s asses ANYWHERE on Michael Vick’s property.

The End.

Please don’t let the recent jump in the Dow Jones fool you. Unfortunately, hard times from this international recession seem to be far from over. And therefore, we should all continue to be on the lookout for the crazy. Cause just when you least expect it, it’s out there.


Case in point: The 65 year-old woman in Amsterdam that felt like she had been overcharged on monthly utility bill.

Apparently grandma tried to contact the utilities company to dispute the outrageous bill (which was almost $84,000 American bucks) but the electricity got cut off before she could make the call. So when the utilities worker showed up talking about he was gonna cut off all her service, don’t you know homegirl LOCKED THAT ASS UP!?!?!?

CRICKETS

Mmm-hmm, talking about, she wasn’t letting him turn off a damn thing until the company addressed the cause of the overpayment and set up some sort of payment plan. But wait on it… why the police had to come and arrest ‘ole girl before she was willing to let dude go??? I can’t.

Imagine trying to explain to your family and friends that you were trapped and locked up by a damn senior citizen. DEAD. I know that dude was pissed! Here he probably thought it was going to be an in-and-out job. At most, lasting no more than 15 min. Uh-uh, not even close… Senior Sally was on some straight Stephen King, MISERY type ‘ish. Trapping folks like wild animals!

Tell you what- I don’t care what his salary was before this, they just don’t pay enough for the crazy I tell ya. Nope, not at all.

I went to bed thinking that I was going to HAVE to write today’s post about the ridiculousness that is the new VH1 reality show, Basketball Wives. I mean, how can the show honestly say it offers an insider’s view of the trials & tribulations that accompany marriage to a high profile basketball player when only one of the six participants is married. And even more importantly, I don’t recognize her husband at ALL (shoot, there’s not even a wikipedia entry on dude).


BLANK STARE

Seems like the show should be described as an insider’s view of NBA bitterest baby mamas, ex-girlfriends, ex-fiancees and ex-wives. Cause it certainly looks like the game got the best of this group of women. I don’t care how much money or plastic surgery you have, it won’t ever disguise that run-thru / over-compromised appearance of woman whose been used up in her prime and discarded with zero respect. I’m just saying.

But THEN, I saw the CNN news story about the latest beef between the United States State Department and the Russia Government. Apparently Russia is threatening to shut down ALL adoptions to families in America not now but RIGHT NOW. Why you ask?

Well, apparently some random white couple in middle America decided that the 7-year old Russian kid they adopted was some type of violent psychopath. Talking about the little boy had a list of people that he wanted to hurt and number one on the list was his American mom.

WOAH

And so they what? Sent that little serial killer right back to the motherland all by his damn self. Mmm-hmm… just. like. that. But wait on it… Before putting him on the plane the adoptive father, Torry Hansen packed a one-sentence note in homeboy’s backpack talking about:
“I am sorry to say that for the safety of my family, friends and myself I no longer wish to parent this child.”

OMG, if this ain’t the damn storyline from Orphan, I don’t know what it is. SMH. Tell you what, I’ll take me a little knucklehead from the hood a million times over before I start searching for some damn foreign baby that can’t even say I hate you in English. No offense.

*starts tossing holy water like I’m popping champagne*

Well surprise, surprise, somehow my upstanding behind didn’t get selected for the month-long criminal case involving wire taps, cocaine, ecstacy and 2 Puerto Rican from the Dykeman Projects in the Bronx. BLANK STARE

Gee, I wonder if it had something to do with the judge’s question: do you know anyone that’s been convicted of a crime?

Anyhoo, while I’m holed up here on 100 Centre Street waiting for my last day of service to end, it looks like the state of marriage continues to rapidly deteriorate. Not only did lameass Tiki Barber leave his pregnant wife of 11 years for an intern but it seems Garcelle Beauvais-Nillion’s husband has also been outted for his five year affair. So how many celebrity husbands are in the shit house behind women probabaly not worth the gum on the bottom of my shoe: Steve Phillips, Tiger Woods, Shaq, Jesse James, Tiki Barber… Nice, very nice.

Keep it classy ya’ll.

But not for nothing, there’s been such a varied response to the cheating by all the wives. Don’t ya think? Let’s see, Steve Phillips wife sued him and homegirl, Elin chased Tiger’s ass with a golf club, Shawnee snatched kids and went to LA, Sandra straight disappeared, Giny Barber immediately started crying to the press and good ‘ole Garcelle… Well Ms. Thang sent a damn email to the ENTIRE talent agency where her husband works. Mmm-hmm, talking about:
“I found out today that MY husband of almost 9 yrs has been having an affair for 5 yrs with some slut in Chicago. I am devastated!!!! And I have been duped!! Our boys don’t deserve this!”

JUST LIKE THAT.

I gotta say, it’s been a bad run for unfaithful men over the past 7 months. And sure, I’d like to be optimistic about the situation. Cause you know, not everyone has to put his hand on the fire to figure out that it burns. But it’s just… I mean honestly? Interns, waitresses, low budget internet porn stars, party promoters and your homeboy’s fiancee? It’s a lot. Le sigh.

Jesus be the secret bank account in your mama’s maiden name.

So I just heard about the upcoming Vanity Fair feature story on the alledged mistresses of Tiger Woods….

CRICKETS

Yeah… Gotta be honest, not so sure this is a good look for VF. I’m just saying. It just feels way more than like an US Weekly exclusive than a full-length feature for such a great magazine. And not for nothing, I simply don’t want to hear anything else from a these trashy low-budget hookers.

Like when are their 15 minutes EVER going to be up??

It’s not like I’m suddenly going to feel badly for any of them. To the contrary, it only increases my disdain. For example, all of the women are chiming in on Tiger’s cheapness. One says, “All he ever bought me was a Subway sandwich,” another gripes that he flew her around in coach and the best is the one who he brought to his crib but never let her into the master bedroom.

BLANK STARE

Man, listen, every single one of ya’ll are idiots. Every other week, Tiger Woods is included on a new and improved list of the wealthiest athletes on the PLANET. So if all you got outta that situation was sex in the garage and a sandwich, that’s your freaking fault.

The End.

Thirteen years ago I was diagnosed with auto-immune hepatitis As a result, my liver had completely stopped functioning. Basically, I was told that I needed a liver transplant IMMEDIATELY or I was going to die.

Clearly, I received the transplant.

But those eighteen months I spent waiting for an organ to become available were the hardest minutes, hours, days, and months of my life. And not just because I was unspeakably ill but also because while waiting, I watched fellow patients who had been waiting along with me, die. Yeah, I can’t explain what that does for the moral… Not.

But the thing is, once I received the organ I was so busy living and catching up on the years I spent dealing with the liver that I started to forget the scariest details of the ordeal. Like damn near everything. To this day, it takes my mom, medical charts and closest friends to help me remember me of half the craziness that happened… The human mind is so amazing.

All that to say, when I saw the commercial for the premiere of the new season of MTV doc series True Life, True Life: I Need A Transplant, I totally flashed back. And trust, it was not fun. Then, to make matters worse, while doing my monthly blood tests at the hospital last week, my coordinator informed me that things have gotten even worse for liver patients in New York State.

Apparently, nowadays New York State patients experience some of the longest wait times for a liver in the country- 26.9 months. That’s more than TWICE the national wait time. Honestly, I just don’t know if I would be alive if I would’ve had to wait almost two and a half YEARS for my transplant. Unfortunately, this increased wait is happening because 10 not even organ donors and 2) organs aren’t shared nationally, there’s shared regionally. Which means that if an organ becomes available in say California, a patient in New York will never have access…. even if no one is California needs it or is a match.

So you’re clear: Over 160 New Yorkers died on the waiting list this past year. Mind you, because of the existing regional system, nearly 1000 viable donor livers are discarded each year at centers with small waiting lists while patients in other regions remain on long wait lists and basically die.

SILENCE

While I’m happy to report that they’ve recently started lobbying for policy change (there’s an important meeting in Atlanta on April 12th that I may attend); we all know how slow that road can be if the regular folks don’t get involved. *serious side-eye*

So I’m asking everyone to take a minute out of their day, and contact their representative HERE

Since there’s no form letter or petition, I wrote a little something for you to cut and paste:
I know someone who was able to receive the liver transplant necessary to save her life. Unfortunately, because of the existing regional access system and new language in recent guidelines from the government in the Transportation, Housing and Urban Development, and Related Agencies Appropriations Act, 2010, many others will not be as lucky.

As a voting constituent, I’m asking for you to help fight for changes to the system to include broader sharing.

Sincerely,


I promise, this will take 30 seconds and very likely save a life. So go on and be my hero today.

*drops mic and walks away*

You know what? I am 30 secs away from climbing back up in my mother’s womb and staging a do-over on my entire LIFE right now. No forreal. Because I just don’t understand what kind of world we live in where wait on it… folks in Staten Island are breaking into elementary schools and stealing the PETS of AUTISTIC students!!! Are you serious right now?


I understand that times are rough. Hence, right, wrong or indifferent folks gotta do what they gotta do… So I can sorta kinda not really understand the thought process behind swiping the electronic equipment and toys. But snatching the HAMSTER? Come ON. That right there is like, kicking the cripple. Survey says: No can do.

To make matter worse, the no count heathens KNEW they were taking that damn rodent from kids with special needs. How could they not? The freaking name of the school is Eden II School for Children with Autism.

DEAD ASS SILENCE

Honestly, I don’t even know what else to say about this…

*digs a rosary from the bottom of the keepsake chest and gets to praying*

Wow, Rhode Island is NOT playing when it comes to their children’s education (or more importantly, taxpayers’ moolah). Straight up firing an entire high school’s faulty because the students are under performing? That ‘ish is GANGSTER!!

*throws serious side -eye at some of these worthless public schools here in Harlem*

And while I like the idea of completely cleaning house, the fact that 97 % of the students are living in poverty (which means they don’t have anywhere NEAR supportive home environment) and 65% are 1st generation Hispanic where for most English is not the first language (which means a whole lot of stuff is getting lost in translation), leads me to believe that some of these teachers were up against some pretty shitty odds from the gate.


But you know, I guess we’ll have to see.

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