Category: love be a cellulite cream

So Lady Gaga debuted the video for her latest single, “Born This Way” this morning.


Mmm… yeah. BLANK STARE

Granted, from what I heard from those who actually bothered to suffer through last night’s award show, it’s probably way more exciting than the Oscars. Howsoever, me no likely at all. Wait, I take that back. I actually do love the bra and panty set that she’s prancing around in but other than that… eh.

And you know, it’s not even the ridiculous rip-off of a Madonna song that bothers me the most (although it is pretty awful), I just really wish she would get a new choreographer. Watching Gaga jerk & jiggle her body around for over seven minutes wears me the hell out. And worse now that she’s wearing flat shoes.

*shrug*

I’m jussayin.

So last night the bestie forwarded me an article from the Detroit Free Press Newspaper. And I swear, it is the craziest story I’ve heard all week. Okay, wait. I take that back. It’s the SECOND craziest behind presumptuous ass Ginny Thomas leaving stalker voicemails. But anyhoo I digress…


Apparently, this past Tuesday afternoon, a Detroit man shot and killed a would-be carjacker when the assailant tried to stick him up at a gas station. The victim, Omar Mixion was filling up his Escalade (BLANK STARE for still pushing such a ridiculous gas guzzler in 2010) when 20 year-old Kenyon Reese Jr came up from behind and demanded the truck at gunpoint.

Well, turns out Kenyon wasn’t the only one packing heat that afternoon. Your man Omar has a license to carry a concealed weapon. And so he refused to give up the keys to the Caddy and ‘ish went DOWN straight wild, wild west style.

When it was all said and done, the wanna be jacker was dead and Mixon was hospitalized with hits under his eye, in an arm, leg, through his hip and backside.

N-U-T-S.

So THEN, the article goes on to report eyewitness testimony from a woman who happened to be inside the gas station when all the madness erupted. And I quote:

“Lonya Smoot said she heard the gunshots when she was in the gas station buying a lottery ticket Tuesday night, playing her favorite four digits: 1-0-1-1. **

‘The manager said, ‘Hit the floor!’ Smoot said. ‘And that’s what I did.’

The station attendant, she said, locked the doors from the inside, but a woman inside who was with the carjacking victim yelled, ‘Oh my god! That’s my man!’ and he let her outside.

Smoot said the other woman came back in with another younger woman and a child. Smoot said she believes both were in the SUV when the would-be carjacker tried to steal the vehicle.

And while police confirm the eyewitness’s account, turns out Omar’s wife Brenda Mixon and her children were NOT part of the aforementioned group of women and child at the gas station when the incident occurred.

SILENCE.

But wait on it… Here’s the BEST part. And I quote:

“Brenda Mixon said she doesn’t know who was with her husband, who initially denied that there was another woman present.

Right now, Mixon said, she wants to focus on getting her husband of 10 years and father of her two children better.

‘When he gets better, then I will talk to him about everything else,’ she said. ‘That’s my husband, that’s my heart, that’s my best friend right there.’

She said she’s glad her husband was carrying a gun.

‘Whoever has a CCW, do not be afraid to use it,’ she said.”

BLANK STARE w/ 3 LOOONG BLINKS.

So essentially, you co-signing on your man’s trifling ass getting into a shoot out at a freaking GAS STATION over a piece of shit Escalade (insert image of the whole place exploding into high hell) while he’s chilling with his jump-off and her kid?? And that’s your best friend?? Sweetie, what the HELL kinda friends do you have??

*nosedives into the shallow end of the pool*

Yo. As for as I’m concerned, Omar deserves every bullet he took for that reckless ass shit he pulled. Quietly, he really needs to go to jail for public endangerment. Can you imagine how many people could’ve been killed just because his ego was too big to give up the truck?? SMDH.

Oh and as for his retarded, low-self-esteem having, co-signing wife?? She is EXACTLY why even the most random, average men continue to believe it’s cool to behave badly in relationships. Yeah, I said it. ‘Cause for every decent woman that says no to the nonsense, there are HUNDREDS of Brendas willing to look the other way even when the craziness lands on the front page of your freaking local newspaper. Talking about, ‘that’s your heart and when he gets better, you’ll talk about everything else.’ SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, good luck. Had Omar been married to me, after 10 YEARS and multiple CHILDREN, there wouldn’t have been a home for him to return to whether we ‘talked’ about it or not.

Bet that.

*drops the mic & walks away*
**But, before I go, why are they reporting on this woman’s lottery number picks?? DFP staff, I’m gonna need ya’ll to tighten up on those writing skills ASAP. Thanks.

Although to the naked eye it may appear that I’m slowly perspiring to death in this record breaking heat and humidity, thanks to the lovely folks at The GAP, I’m already chilling in the Fall.


Yessir, because in addition to last week’s adorable distressed cropped jean jacket (that you actually still have one day left to enter & win a free one HERE), I just received a pair of their new denim leggings.

Can I tell you? No bullish, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Like budget be damned, I’m so about to go buy an additional pair immediately.

They feel just as thick as last year’s 1969 Premium jeans (which remain at the front of my closet) and like your fave pair of leggings are super duper tight. Super. Duper.

READ: it fits every shape imaginable but we’ll ALL have to wiggle a lil’ something to get into them.

Did I mention that at full price they only cost $69.50?

Pish, c’mon son. I’ll see you in the checkout line.

I’m convinced celebrity marriage and divorce are the new American Apparel leggings and off-the shoulder t-shirt.


No, seriously. What else could explain the latest tomfoolery that is Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston’s engagement announcement? Talking about they took Tripp for a walk and voila, they’re back in love. Um, didn’t I JUST see Levi clowning the shit out of the entire Palin pack on Kathy Griffin’s ‘My Life on the D-List’ two seconds ago???

DEAD FISH EYES

And let’s not even get started with Ochocinco’s dating show, The Ultimate Catch. Which for those who missed the hour and a half long premiere it’s basically the 2010 Flavor of Love with a better looking buffoon for these nickel and dime hookers to chase. Mmm-hmm, yeah I said it. The man is a wealthy B-U-F-F-O-O-N.

But regardless of what I think about Chad’s personality and proclivity for coonery, there is one thing that I will commend the Pro-Bowler for- he keeps it 100.
When it comes to dating, there are two things he’s never made any bones about:
1) he not attracted to Black women
2)he’s treats all women like expendable objects

Three days later and I’m still laughing my ass off at the memory of the shocked expression on the faces of all the pretty, young, excited Black girls in the original group of 85 contestants as he walked up and whispered ever ever so gently, “Sweetheart, you’re cut.” You know, like he really cared about their feelings and shit. And then, in the very next breath he green lights this plastic looking white woman who I swear to God/Jehovah/ Allah looks old enough to be his damn mother.

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I am so not mad at him. And I don’t think Black women should be either. Nope, not at all. Like my mom always reminded me, why share your toys with someone who doesn’t like you? Fuck that. You don’t want me, I don’t want you. No hard feelings, it is what it is. Onward.

Think of it like this: Now, those same pretty girls can take that all that fresh weave (that probably cost all of of their rent money for the next 2 months) to a club and find a fool who’ll appreciate their $55 metallic spandex pants.

And to think, I was worried that missing out on all of last week’s Oscar Grant and LeBron James craziness was going to leave me with nothing to discuss this morning.


*mails a thank you card to Terius Nash*

Sigh. Oh The Dream… Getting caught on the romantic rendezvous in the Caribbean with your slutty personal assistant? Really? Does it get more cliche than that?

I must say the images of Terius in his beachwear glory: extra snug pink-n-white striped board shorts, jiggly man-boobs and Buddha gut with the dark permanent side crease frolicking in the ocean with the equally sloppy body trick (how are you’re supposed to be the sexy sidepiece w the loosey goosey tummy & unflattering flattering 2-piece, ma?) for the all of the paparazzi to photograph sickens me to my soul.

But I guess we shouldn’t be that surprised that the Umpa Luma is this sloppy. His comments about Christina and their home life since she got pregnant have been nothing short of blatantly disrespectful. And that’s to say nothing of the ignorant first single from the crappy ass album that he released last week, “Make Up Bag.” Talking about, “If you ever make your girlfriend mad. Don’t let your good girl bad. Drop five stacks on the make up bag.”

Simple ass negro.

Granted, I’ve always thought Christina Emillian was kind of typical. You know what I mean: cute, marginally talented with some very obvious signs of gold digger tendencies when it comes to the men she chooses to date. *shrug* But still… ain’t no lifestyle worth this type of humiliation. At the end of the day, homeboy put the ring on it. Knocked-up or not, the two could’ve just co-parented if he didn’t intend to TRY to be monogamous.

Maybe LaLa and Melo were onto something by waiting five years to actually get married….

On a whole, I didn’t necessarily dislike the Oscars so much as I felt they were extremely predictable. We all knew Mo’Nique was going to receive a well deserved win and with all the backlash from his notoriously messy divorce and Svengali ways swirling, I also kinda understood it was time for James Cameron to take an L. And quite honestly, I didn’t love most of the dresses… Um, Zoe’s too big purple Can-Can dress? No thank you.


But one thing or rather person I was SO not prepared for was Elinor Burkett, the out-of-control, chubby Willy Wonka looking white woman who bumrushed the stage and pulled a straight Kanye on hapless director-producer, Roger Ross-Williams. No sir, that one COMPLETELY caught me off guard.

Just as the poor guy was about to start speaking, out of nowhere this busty red-head snatched the mic and began to talk over him. LOUDLY. And unlike Kanye, this bish didn’t even give the mc back, Nope, she keep it going till the traveling music started to play.

*crickets*

It’s being reported that Burkett was one of the original producers of the winner of the Best Doc Short Award, “Music by Prudence,” follows Prudence, a disabled woman in Zimbabwe with an incredible singing voice. And that Williams and she had some sort of fall out over the direction of the film and was removed. A year ago.

*Dead Fish Eyes*

All I’m saying is, all’s fair is entertainment and humiliation. And if the entire world can hold a grudge against Kanye and stay crying a river for poor Taylor Swift, then there better be some tears shed for ‘ole dude. READ: Either Rog is now entitled to have his own best year EVER with folks just GIVING him project money and film awards whether he actually has a anything work producing (just like they GAVE Taylor Swift’s semi-talented ass all those Grammys) or I don’t wanna see this chick at another Oscar ceremony for at least the next 5 years. The End.

PS. Peep how in the very beginning Mama Williams blocked Burkett from getting out of the aisle and following behind her son. HEE-Larious!

Another day, another new tidbit about one of our fave celebs- so Mo’Nique and her husband (who I must admit is rather charming looking) have an open relationship, huh? Interesting.


And according to the NY Daily News, apparently I’m tardy to the party on this bit of Hollyweird info.

Honestly, it’s not for me to judge. If you’re cool with your husband sleeping with other women and he’s cool with you having sex with other men, so be it. I don’t have to crazwl into that bed with either of the two of you at the end of the night. Whatever keeps peace in the home. But is it just me or is something a little off/ sad when one spouse is so adamant about being faithful within the union as she/he shrugs’ off the other’s dalliances? Mmm-hmmm…

Check it out the quote that made me pause:
“Let me say this: I have not had sex outside my marriage with Sidney,” the Academy Award nominee says in this year’s 29th Barbara Walters Oscar special. “Could Sid have sex outside of his marriage with me? Yes. That’s not a deal-breaker.”
Really Mo?

*serious side-eye*

Sigh… It just seems like there was a better way to word that, no? Like maybe she could’ve said, ‘I’ve been so busy with my new film projects and TV show that haven’t had the time to have sex outside my marriage’… or SOMETHING. Anything that would’ve stopped it from seeming like while you have no interest in sleeping with other men besides your husband, he’s allowed to do whatever in the hell he feels like (because you’d rather turn a blind eye than break-up). You feel me? Or am I just reading into this too much?

Oh God, so I went and saw a preview screening of the movie Precious (based on the book Push) yesterday evening at the Magic Johnson Theater on 125th…  All I can say is JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.


Mind you, I am a complete book snob (no surprise there). As far as I’m concerned, no movie will ever be a better experience than an author’s original version.  BUT, I gotta give it to twisted ass Lee Daniels, this ‘ish right here is damn good.

Forget about the graphic nature of the story’s content (extreme poverty, sexual/physical abuse, illiteracy, obesity), the mere visuals ALONE made me wanna simultaneously cry and vomit.  Seriously? Harlem has NEVER looked so dirty, Monique so goddamn deranged or an obese teenager’s skin so freakin’ SWEATY from the mere act of breathing. 

Call me crazy but there were moments when I actually felt like I was starting to SMELL the stink of greasy fried chicken and salty pig feet coming off of the screen. *Blank stare*

So while you probably won’t leave the theater feeling anything but depressed, disgusted and in my case in desperate need of a shower,  DEFINITELY go see this movie as soon as it hits a theater near you.  

So clearly, I don’t have anything better to do but make random 20 second appearances on Tiny & Toya and put myself through unnecessary changes. With that said- DRUM ROLL PLEASE- I have finally decided to give up white sugar.  Um yes, please feel free to applaud. Because those who really, really know me and this greedy sweet tooth of mine, understand how above and beyond the call of Mitzi this move really is.

  
And no, I don’t have a good reason at all.  I think I just want to try something new and healthy… Naw, that doesn’t even sound like me. Waaaay too wholesome. I probably just want to have something to talk about. LOL, yeah that’s more like it.

But we shall see how far I can get with this one. Cause its was already a close call when made myself a simple cup of tea this morning. Don’t you know, I damn near had to pour the entire bottle of honey into the cup for it to be sweet enough for me to drink?? And between you , me and my wallet, honey is too damn expensive to be running through bottles like that.  Mmm-hmmm.

So we shall see, cause Lord knows, Mama got a speeding ticket to pay for…

Hmmm, so the New York Times is reporting that Manhattan is the thinnest county in New York State. Apparently the average across the state is 60% and we’re at an impressive 42% low.


Can’t say I’m uber surprised with all the models, artists, Euro-trash, Stepford wives and beautiful Chelsea boys fa-la-laing all over the damn place.  But what is interesting is how honest the folks they interviewed about being skinny were about how they felt about the socioeconomic implications of being overweight.

“My mom says, ‘The smaller the dress size, the larger the apartment,'” said one Upper Eastsider.  

Well damn, tell ’em how you really feel ma. Right?

Mind you, although I thought some of these chicks were doing way too much for me to co-sign (so what you’re saying is, you’re 5-foot-8, 119lbs and you’re not tossing your cookies after every meal?  Really?). I gotta admit, I definitely identified with one of the interviewees- Simon Doonan, 56, the creative director of Barney’s.  Good ole Simon was the only person honest enough to attribute the borough’s obsession with weight to straight up, simple and plain, FEAR.
 

“Or closets are filled with all these expensive clothes that are like swords of Damocles, because we may not fit into them anymore.” Preach.  

Cause the good Lord knows, my closet may only be filled with H&M, random sample sale finds and a couple of cute pieces from the GAP (gotta get the shout out in) but I damn sure can’t afford to replace nam stitch of it right about now. 

SO until the majority of the styles at Target start to cater to the short and curvy (and please believe I check in on a regular basis), I too will be unabashedly dragging my butt to the stinky NYSC and trying to make the magic happen.

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